Sometimes I Pray...

That he gets everything he ever wanted...

Someone to love who loves him too...
A family... a normal family...
A coaching position at a college...

I pray that all good things come his way.
That he's happy and healthy and just really loved.

That he finds trust and maybe loses some of that judgment.
That he learns how to take a chance and not second guess his feelings so much.
That one day we can be friends... or at least friendly.
Or even that he never sees me again if that's whats best.


Sometimes he's all I pray about...


I still have magical thoughts sometimes that it was all just a dream.
I could wake up and we can happy... like before.

It's not that I'm lonely. My life is full of great things, wonderful people, and lots to be done.
I don't even think I have a place for a boyfriend at this time.
And even if things went back to what they were, I still know that what they were wasn't so terrific.

I guess for better or worse, when you love; you love...
And even when it's over, that love remains...

Absolutely No Danger At All.... Riiiiight

Got a call today from a potential employer... and a call tonite from a potential... friend?

FWB called tonite and we talked for about 2 hours mostly about how much we had the other night and how we can't wait to do it again soon. Real soon. We set a date for Wednesday.

He thinks I'm gorgeous, smart, with a smoking hot body (giggle)... loves when other guys check me out (innocently of course) and feels damn lucky that I picked him to spend my free time with.

I'm in absolutely no danger at all of wanting anything more than just a good time and some good lovin'. No danger at all... yeah.

Did I mention he's sexy, fun, and good in bed??


Yep, no danger at all.... right?

FWB

The ever optimistic, believer in the abundance of good love- turned career focused woman has taken a lover.... not a love; a lover.

He's sexy, fun, and great in bed and I'm in absolutely no danger of falling in love with him. Along with trying to accomplish some goals this year (sans relationship drama), I also want to keep myself open to new possibilities- friends, lovers, cities... orientations? I figured keeping it light with a FWB would be my best option.

The only problem is I have no idea how the hell to keep anything light especially when fluids are being exchanged!

I'm a serial monogamist; a real relationship kinda girl. I'm a girl who thought I'd be married to my last couple of boyfriends. Isn't this back-sliding?

When we met we both said we wanted to just remain friends... but the kind of friends who, you know... Now we're hanging out, having SO much fun (in and out of the bedroom)... the girl in me can't help but wonder, will he change his mind?

Most days I don't feel beautiful. At 5'6 and 115lbs, sometimes I feel fat. I don't always pursue my dreams because I feel I'm not good enough... sometimes everything is shit...

I'm so nervous right now. Friday I have an interview for a real career type job. Hopefully this will be my ticket off the couch and back into the office. I've been on the couch for sooo long...

Next Wednesday, I'll be conducting an interview for my first real writing assignment. I've already contacted the musician's "people" and set the date and time. The next couple of days I'll spend reading up on the guy (I honestly had never heard of him) and hopefully crafting some good questions.

What I'm doing now is what I've needed to do (but unfortunately could not) for a long time. I need to get my mind back to a good place- a confident place. I walk around this town and feel so exposed sometimes like SFA made a public announcement on how much of a fucked up person I am... and posted my photo along with it.

After so many failures and false starts, my confidence is kinda shot. I figure with a couple successes- the job Friday and the interview (getting the gig alone was a success) and possibly a few good workouts (I could really stand some yoga- my posture is terrible right now) should put me back in a good place.

I realllllyyyy need that workout....

Not Fooling Anyone...

I could write a millions times that I don't miss him... and I could write it a million times a day in a million different languages and it still wouldn't stop me from thinking about him everyday... all day.

The weekend was rough. All I did was think about how it's getting cold and how much I miss him.

I'm so sick of crying. I have nothing else to do...

It's 12:13 in the afternoon on a Sunday and I think I'll go make myself a drink...



There's a game today... against the Patriots of all teams and I don't even want to go watch it.

The New Guy is Shady

Okay... I don't have any proof that he's shady...

But I have no proof to support the contrary either!

We went out last Friday... things went well for the most part*. He emailed me earlier this week saying that he's out of town but that he'll call when he gets back... whatever that means**.

*For the most part... things were great until we kissed and he tried to come inside to "hook up". He didn't say "hook up".... but as we all know, mama ain't raise no fool...

Why this is bad? To me it means that he would rather forgo getting to know me in order to get into my True Religions. It means he isn't serious about me. Even though it was only a first date, you know when you''re at a place in your life when you want to really get to know someone or if you're just looking to screw around. Men usually have to pick either or because they're fundamentally incapable of understanding healthy sexuality. A woman who sleeps on the first date, in most men's eyes, is a whore. And men don't marry whores... knowingly...

**Whatever that means... Is he really out of town? Or is he married?


So there you have it... he's shady... or not...

Either way, he hasn't called.

Dating Myself

Yep.

I'm so sick of the bullshit. I never thought my hopeless romantic ass would ever get this cynical but here it is, I'm officially jaded!

I'm so sick of the unsolicited cat calls from men on the street...

I'm sick to death of men who aren't about shit claiming that women don't want "good men"...
No, women don't want you! You're not a good man!

I'm sick of men who think they "like" me when they know absolutely nothing about me... be real with yourself! You like the way I look and somehow correlate that to how well I can suck a...

I'm really tired of men who complain about drama and women being jealous... if you weren't fucking around we wouldn't be jealous (this one goes out to someone special).

I really, really, really am sick of fake intellectuals. Stop trying to engage me in dumbass conversation. You have no idea what you're talking about.



I'm not saying that all men are like this... I know there are a lot of great men out there, I just don't seem to meet any. So there is my rant. I am now going to surf the net for a great place to take myself tonite. After dealing with today's dumb-assery, I deserve it.